1
00:00:01,280 --> 00:00:04,910
ś It seems today
that all you see ś
2
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:08,260
ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś
3
00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:11,450
ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś
4
00:00:11,460 --> 00:00:14,730
ś On which we used to rely? ś
5
00:00:14,730 --> 00:00:18,540
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
6
00:00:18,530 --> 00:00:21,730
ś Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ś
7
00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:23,330
ś All the things that make us ś
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00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:24,980
ś Laugh and cry ś
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00:00:24,970 --> 00:00:30,140
ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś
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00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:35,680
MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
And now back to
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00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,480
the Disney Channel's
exclusive presentation,
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00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,380
Aladdin 5:
Jafar Answers the Census.
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Okay, and how many people
live in your palace?
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Um, does the bird count?
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Does the bird live here?
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00:00:46,860 --> 00:00:49,160
Yes.
Then, yes, the
bird counts.
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00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,690
Uh, okay. Two.
18
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:52,100
Great.
19
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:54,000
What is your primary
source of income?
20
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,360
Um, sorcery.
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And a little
from political corruption,
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but primarily sorcery.
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Yeah, I'll just
put sorcery.
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00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:05,740
Okay. Um, are you gay,
straight or not sure?
25
00:01:05,740 --> 00:01:08,010
Uh, why are you
asking me this?
26
00:01:08,010 --> 00:01:10,540
It's just... I-I don't...
I don't write the questions.
27
00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:12,780
I know. It just seems
a little personal.
Yeah, I-I understand.
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You're... you're free
not to answer it
29
00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:15,420
if that's your choice.
30
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No, no, no, it's okay.
You can put "not sure."
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00:01:17,420 --> 00:01:19,720
All right.
I'm off to Paris.
32
00:01:19,730 --> 00:01:22,000
You guys going to be okay
without me for a week?
33
00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:23,490
Ugh. I don't know.
34
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,340
I mean, who's going to put
those three magazines
35
00:01:25,330 --> 00:01:27,090
in a neat stack
on the coffee table?
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00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:28,760
Lois, I realize you're excited
about going away
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00:01:28,770 --> 00:01:30,910
with Bonnie and all,
but could I... could I not
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00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:32,830
have to hear about the trip
when you get back?
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00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:34,400
I-I just...
I know you're going to have
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00:01:34,410 --> 00:01:36,610
pictures and stories,
and I-I just...
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00:01:36,610 --> 00:01:38,770
I-I-I just don't want to be
involved in any of that mess.
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00:01:38,780 --> 00:01:40,220
(knock at door)
43
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:42,250
You ready to go, Lois?
44
00:01:42,250 --> 00:01:44,560
I sure am.
Oh, my God, Bonnie.
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00:01:44,550 --> 00:01:46,310
We're going to have
such a good time.
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00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,750
I know, and it's going to be
so much fun going with you.
47
00:01:48,750 --> 00:01:50,250
Joe hates to fly
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00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,430
'cause they always put him
underneath with the dogs.
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00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:54,120
(dogs barking)
50
00:01:54,130 --> 00:01:56,630
Indonesia better be worth it.
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00:01:56,630 --> 00:01:58,530
Okay. Bye, everyone.
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00:01:58,530 --> 00:02:00,390
Kids, you mind your father
while I'm gone.
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00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,530
Love you.
54
00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:02,830
Bye, Mom.
Bye!
55
00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:04,230
Oh, Peter,
I almost forgot.
56
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,540
Here's some money
for groceries
57
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:07,180
and a list
of the kids' schedules.
58
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,870
The fat man in charge
for a week?
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00:02:08,870 --> 00:02:10,640
He's going to be
in over his head.
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00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,440
Like when he was a boxing coach.
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00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,940
Punch him! Punch him again!
Punch him!
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00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:15,590
Punch him now! Again!
Now you're getting punched!
63
00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:16,610
Punch back!
Don't let him hit you!
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00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:17,850
Get out of the way!
Punch him!
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00:02:17,850 --> 00:02:21,180
(bell clangs)
You know what I'm
going to tell you.
66
00:02:21,190 --> 00:02:22,490
I got to punch him...
You got to
punch him more.
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00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:28,470
Hey, you ever check
Joe's Facebook?
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00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:30,360
Ugh, I know. Awful.
69
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,590
"Hittin' Cheesecake
Factory again. So amped."
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00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,600
And then the symbol
that means "wink."
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00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,600
Really? I mean, like,
why... why the wink?
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00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,030
I mean, is there...
is there something
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00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,480
that we're supposed
to be in on?
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00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:42,170
Is he not going there?
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00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:44,070
Is he... is
he not amped?
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00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,220
And-and... and who cares
if he is, you know?
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00:02:46,210 --> 00:02:47,870
Dick.
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00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:51,280
Coming up, our horribly outdated
scams reporter, Ken Redowski,
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00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,280
gets angry about a product
you don't care about.
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00:02:53,290 --> 00:02:55,060
Digital bathroom scales!
81
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,320
Thanks, Ken.
This just in:
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00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,590
there has been a confirmed
outbreak of goat flu
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00:02:58,590 --> 00:02:59,990
at James Woods High School.
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00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:01,690
Goat flu?
You got to be kidding me.
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00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:02,920
Every year, the stupid media
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00:03:02,930 --> 00:03:04,790
tries to scare us
with this kind of thing,
87
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,640
and every year,
it turns out to be nothing.
88
00:03:06,630 --> 00:03:08,100
Yeah, it's nothing.
I know.
89
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,660
Every year,
it's nothing.
Well, now, hang on.
90
00:03:09,670 --> 00:03:10,900
There might be
something to this.
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00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,100
Health officials have said
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00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,000
that a vaccine
is not yet available.
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00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:15,750
And if you're not scared yet,
here's some footage
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00:03:15,740 --> 00:03:17,700
of people sneezing
at a salad bar.
95
00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:20,510
(sneezing)
96
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:22,410
Oh, dear.
Here's some footage
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00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,180
of people licking
subway turnstiles.
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00:03:26,650 --> 00:03:28,820
Oh.
Here's some footage of a man
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00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:30,950
with the flu making out with you
while you're asleep.
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00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:34,920
Oh, my God!
101
00:03:34,930 --> 00:03:36,700
While James Woods High
remains open,
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00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,840
students are reminded
to wash their hands frequently
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00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:40,860
and watch for early signs
of infection.
104
00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:43,070
Oh, my God. I got to get
the kids out of there.
105
00:03:43,070 --> 00:03:44,300
What?
What are you talking about?
106
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,100
I'm talking
about homeschooling, Brian.
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00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,670
Just until the crisis is over.
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00:03:47,670 --> 00:03:49,300
Peter, that's a complete
overreaction.
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00:03:49,310 --> 00:03:50,640
I don't think
Lois would be happy
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00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:51,910
if you pulled the kids
out of school.
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00:03:51,910 --> 00:03:53,470
Well, she left me in charge,
didn't she?
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00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:54,980
And besides, you know me.
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00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:57,680
When I set my mind to something,
I am not easily deterred.
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00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,750
Like when I tried out
to be an Olympic gymnast.
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00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:02,350
(inhales deeply)
116
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,100
(gun fires)
117
00:04:05,090 --> 00:04:06,650
(crowd gasps, cheers)
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00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:08,090
You did it, Peter.
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00:04:08,090 --> 00:04:09,320
Why'd you shoot me?
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00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,190
Because I'm weird,
creepy coach.
121
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,870
Now, let me give you
inappropriate personal shower
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00:04:13,870 --> 00:04:16,910
while I smoke and forbid
you to see parent.
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00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,530
This is... Somebody should
look into this sport.
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00:04:23,910 --> 00:04:25,970
Uh, I'd like to apologize
for yesterday,
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00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:27,820
when I assigned you
lab partners.
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00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:30,480
It has come to my attention
that this is an English class.
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00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:31,850
(knock at door)
128
00:04:33,020 --> 00:04:34,010
(indistinct whispering)
129
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:35,150
Griffin?
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00:04:39,090 --> 00:04:41,720
Chris, Meg, I spoke to
your father on the phone,
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00:04:41,730 --> 00:04:43,830
and he said you needed to
be removed from school.
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00:04:43,830 --> 00:04:45,890
I didn't believe it
was really him at first,
133
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,170
but then I received
another call
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00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:48,910
from the very person
who I thought
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00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:50,700
was pretending
to be him.
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00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:52,500
It caused quite a
stir in my office.
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00:04:58,540 --> 00:04:59,610
Come on, children.
138
00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:04,310
Is everything
all right?
139
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:05,960
Everything's fine.
It's me.
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00:05:05,950 --> 00:05:08,420
I just dressed up like your
father to jazz your teachers
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00:05:08,420 --> 00:05:09,980
and get you
out of here.
What do you mean?
142
00:05:09,990 --> 00:05:11,820
I'm taking you
out of here.
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00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:14,150
That place is riddled
with goat flu, so I'm
gonna homeschool you kids.
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00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:15,260
Oh, okay.
145
00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:17,390
Dad, where'd you
get this car?
146
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,000
I borrowed it
from Quagmire.
147
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,070
He's not home 'cause he got
abducted by aliens last night.
148
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,570
So, do you guys just
not do the anal probe anymore?
149
00:05:23,570 --> 00:05:25,800
Is that...?
No, that's more
or less been retired.
150
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,000
I see, I see.
151
00:05:28,010 --> 00:05:29,910
D-Do you still have the thing?
152
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:36,480
Oh, my God,
what a beautiful room.
153
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,250
Paris is so incredible.
154
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,010
I can't believe
we're really here.
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00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:41,210
I know.
156
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:45,050
Look at all the
people on the street.
157
00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:46,660
Not a lot of people
of color here,
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00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:48,890
but the ones that are
black are really black.
159
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,690
I've noticed that, too.
160
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,570
All right, I've got
our whole day planned.
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00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,990
First, we'll go
to the Louvre.
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00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,630
Then we'll go shopping
along the Champs-Elysées.
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00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,040
Uh, Lois, I should
probably tell you
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00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,450
I didn't come all the way here
to go to museums and shops.
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00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:03,970
Well, I-I don't understand.
166
00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:06,080
Why'd you even want
to come here, then?
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00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,190
Lois, I came here
to have an affair.
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00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:10,380
An affair?
169
00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:11,480
With who?
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00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,880
Anyone.
My God.
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00:06:13,890 --> 00:06:17,860
Well, can we at least do
some Muppet-style
sightseeing first?
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00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:19,700
(accordion music playing)
173
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,740
All right, settle down.
174
00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:42,850
Good morning, class.
175
00:06:42,850 --> 00:06:44,280
BOTH:
Morning, Dad.
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00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,150
We're going to need a few
things for this class--
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00:06:46,150 --> 00:06:48,480
an eagerness to learn,
a thirst for knowledge--
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00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:51,460
but one thing we
won't need is this.
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00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:53,300
That's right, I know
you're all used to teachers
180
00:06:53,290 --> 00:06:56,490
wearing tuxedos and Dracula
capes, but not this one.
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00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:59,240
There will be no pretense
in this classroom.
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00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:02,530
There will only be open
minds and new horizons.
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00:07:02,530 --> 00:07:05,170
Get ready for adventure.
184
00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:07,630
I know some teachers
think class should be
185
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,770
an exercise in structure,
but not Mr. Griffin.
186
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:12,950
This is what my
class will be: this!
187
00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:14,040
Learn with me!
188
00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:15,490
Let's teach each other!
189
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,180
Yay, learning!
190
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,080
Chris, "A."
191
00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:22,990
Meg, "F."
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00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:30,320
Ah, you know, this is
how you take a vacation.
193
00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:32,330
Oh, Bonnie, would
you look at that?
194
00:07:32,330 --> 00:07:34,660
I've never seen anything
like that before--
195
00:07:34,670 --> 00:07:37,070
a croissant with
almonds on it.
196
00:07:37,070 --> 00:07:38,800
And, and could you
bring me a beer?
197
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,930
Oh, I feel
so elegant.
198
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:42,000
What are you
going to have?
199
00:07:42,010 --> 00:07:43,510
You know
what I'd really like?
200
00:07:43,510 --> 00:07:46,110
A piece of that.
201
00:07:46,110 --> 00:07:47,940
Bonnie, for God's
sake, stop it.
202
00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:51,520
Lois, I already told you,
I'm in Paris to have an affair.
203
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,090
I'll even do a Muslim
if I have to.
204
00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:55,690
But I just can't believe
you'd throw away
205
00:07:55,690 --> 00:07:58,900
all those years with Joe
just to have some silly fling.
206
00:07:58,890 --> 00:08:01,350
I'm not throwing
anything away.
207
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,360
Joe and I have been growing
apart for a long time.
208
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,130
Besides, we've had
a good run.
209
00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:08,030
We've been married
for 80 years.
210
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,500
You what?
211
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,930
Well, that's in married-
to-a-handicapped-guy years.
212
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:14,580
Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh?
Hello.
213
00:08:14,570 --> 00:08:15,740
Excuse me?
214
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,540
You are American, no?
215
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:20,370
I very much admire
your Garry Shandling.
216
00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:22,010
Look, I know where
you're going with this,
217
00:08:22,010 --> 00:08:23,210
and we're not
interested, okay,
218
00:08:23,210 --> 00:08:24,840
so you might as well
just keep moving.
219
00:08:24,850 --> 00:08:25,850
I'm interested.
220
00:08:25,850 --> 00:08:28,210
(laughing lasciviously)
221
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:29,580
Bonnie.
222
00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:32,050
Would you like to sample
a warm French baguette?
223
00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:33,400
Oh, my.
224
00:08:33,390 --> 00:08:36,120
My intention is to
void myself on you.
225
00:08:36,130 --> 00:08:39,440
Oh, I'd almost forgotten
what it's like to be romanced.
226
00:08:39,430 --> 00:08:41,560
Come on, Bonnie,
we are leaving.
227
00:08:41,570 --> 00:08:43,940
What?
Look, I'm doing
you a favor.
228
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,810
My stool will sleep
alone tonight.
229
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,670
Bonnie, this is insanity.
230
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,220
Promise me you'll put
this whole affair thing
231
00:08:52,210 --> 00:08:53,270
out of your head.
232
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,280
Lois, I'm just
having fun.
233
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,940
You're playing
with fire.
234
00:08:56,950 --> 00:08:58,650
Look, no marriage
is perfect,
235
00:08:58,650 --> 00:09:01,210
but Joe's the man you
gave your life to,
236
00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:03,480
and besides,
you have a little girl.
237
00:09:03,490 --> 00:09:06,020
You really want to be setting
this kind of example?
238
00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:07,220
(sighs)
239
00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:08,970
I guess you're right, Lois.
240
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,620
It's just that
sometimes I feel
241
00:09:10,630 --> 00:09:12,890
like I don't even
know Joe anymore.
242
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:16,840
It's like I've become a
different person and so has he.
243
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,510
(American Dad theme playing)
244
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,400
ś Good morning, USA! ś
245
00:09:22,410 --> 00:09:26,120
ś I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ś
246
00:09:26,110 --> 00:09:29,110
ś The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ś
247
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,780
ś And he's shining a salute
to the American race ś
248
00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:38,590
ś Oh, boy, it's swell to say ś
249
00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:42,320
ś Good morning, USA ś
250
00:09:43,630 --> 00:09:46,790
ś Good morning, USA! ś
251
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,860
All right, class, this
course is going to cover
252
00:09:49,870 --> 00:09:52,100
all the significant
moments in human history,
253
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:54,100
starting with the settling
of the Old West,
254
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:57,180
where brave pioneers survived
against long odds.
255
00:09:59,010 --> 00:10:01,470
Honey, I have to go into town
to get some supplies,
256
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,440
so I'm probably going to die,
but if I don't,
257
00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:07,010
I'll see you in 18 months
with a canvas bag of salt
258
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,880
and a tin of whale fat
for the children.
259
00:10:08,890 --> 00:10:11,060
I've dug graves out back
for all of you
260
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,060
in the likely event that you,
too, shall perish.
261
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:14,920
WOMAN:
You were a good man, Abraham.
262
00:10:14,930 --> 00:10:17,700
Please scrawl that
on a rough-hewn
piece of wood in my honor.
263
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,470
I shall.
264
00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:21,190
(roaring, shrieking)
265
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,530
The reign of Henry VIII.
266
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,840
Did you enjoy what I
just did for you, sire?
267
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,570
Yes, very much so.
268
00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:31,740
Wow, when this is over, I am
definitely keeping her head.
269
00:10:31,740 --> 00:10:34,040
Joseph Smith discovering
the Book of Mormon.
270
00:10:35,750 --> 00:10:37,350
Oh, an old
Con Ed bill--
271
00:10:37,350 --> 00:10:39,080
I mean, a new testament
of Jesus Christ;
272
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,310
everyone has
to sleep with me.
273
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,120
What?
And no dancing.
274
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,850
But recent years
have also seen
275
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,930
many important
historical events.
276
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,060
1985 brought us the gayest
music video of all time.
277
00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:53,360
(echoing whistle)
278
00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:57,160
Okay, Tokyo.
279
00:10:57,170 --> 00:11:00,670
(alternating male voices)
South America,
Australia, France.
280
00:11:00,670 --> 00:11:02,470
Germany, U.K.
281
00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:06,110
(whistling)
Africa!
282
00:11:06,110 --> 00:11:08,580
(upbeat intro to "Dancing in
the Street" featuring trumpets)
283
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,750
ś Calling out
around the world ś
284
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,600
ś Are you ready
for a brand-new beat? ś
285
00:11:20,590 --> 00:11:23,820
ś Summer's here,
and the time is right ś
286
00:11:23,830 --> 00:11:26,630
ś For dancing in the street ś
287
00:11:26,630 --> 00:11:29,130
ś Dancing in Chicago ś
288
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:30,560
ś Dancing in the street ś
289
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,130
ś Down in New Orleans ś
290
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:34,530
ś Dancing in the street ś
291
00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:36,370
ś In New York City ś
292
00:11:36,370 --> 00:11:37,900
ś Dancing in the street ś
293
00:11:37,910 --> 00:11:41,740
ś All we need is music,
sweet music ś
294
00:11:41,750 --> 00:11:42,950
ś Sweet music ś
295
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:44,650
ś There'll be music
everywhere ś
296
00:11:44,650 --> 00:11:46,210
ś Everywhere ś
297
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:50,460
ś They'll be swinging, swaying,
records playing ś
298
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:53,060
ś Dancing in the street ś
299
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,060
ś Whoa ś
300
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:56,790
ś It doesn't matter
what you wear ś
301
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,540
ś Just as long
as you are there ś
302
00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:04,860
ś So come on, every guy,
grab a girl ś
303
00:12:04,870 --> 00:12:07,800
ś Everywhere
around the world ś
304
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,850
ś They'll be dancing ś
305
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,840
ś Dancing in the street ś
306
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,610
ś Dancing in the street ś
307
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:19,880
ś It's an invitation
across the nation ś
308
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,820
ś A chance for folks to meet ś
309
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,880
ś They'll be laughing
and singing ś
310
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:26,990
ś And music swinging ś
311
00:12:26,990 --> 00:12:29,460
ś Dancing in the street ś
312
00:12:29,460 --> 00:12:31,460
ś Philadelphia, P-A ś
313
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,190
ś Dancing in the street ś
314
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,200
ś Baltimore and DC now ś
315
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,500
ś Dancing in the street ś
316
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,870
ś Don't forget
the Motor City ś
317
00:12:38,870 --> 00:12:40,770
ś Dancing in the street ś
318
00:12:40,770 --> 00:12:42,200
ś On the streets of Brazil ś
319
00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:43,480
ś Dancing in the street ś
320
00:12:43,470 --> 00:12:46,040
ś Back in the USSR ś
321
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,310
ś Dancing in the street ś
322
00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:49,380
ś No matter where you are ś
323
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:51,080
ś Dancing in the street ś
324
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:54,610
ś All we need is music,
sweet music ś
325
00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:55,980
ś Sweet music ś
326
00:12:55,990 --> 00:12:57,890
ś There'll be music everywhere ś
327
00:12:57,890 --> 00:12:59,120
ś Everywhere ś
328
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:03,820
ś They'll be swinging, swaying,
records playing ś
329
00:13:03,830 --> 00:13:06,330
ś And dancing
in the street ś
330
00:13:06,330 --> 00:13:07,630
ś Oh ś
331
00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:10,330
ś It doesn't matter
what you wear ś
332
00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:13,640
ś Just as long
as you are there ś
333
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:18,270
ś So come on, every guy,
grab a girl ś
334
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,080
ś Everywhere,
around the world ś
335
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,840
ś They'll be dancing ś
336
00:13:23,850 --> 00:13:25,450
ś Dancing in the street ś
337
00:13:25,450 --> 00:13:27,150
ś Dancing in the street ś
338
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:29,620
ś Way down in L.A. ś
339
00:13:29,620 --> 00:13:30,920
ś Every day ś
340
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,820
ś Dancing in the street ś
341
00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:34,450
ś Dancing in the street ś
342
00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:36,890
ś Cross in China, too ś
343
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,270
ś Me and you ś
344
00:13:38,260 --> 00:13:40,630
ś Dancing in the street ś
345
00:13:40,630 --> 00:13:42,430
ś Dancing in the... ś
346
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:44,230
That happened,
and we all let it happen.
347
00:13:49,540 --> 00:13:50,740
All right, class,
two things today.
348
00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:52,310
I'm no good at math,
349
00:13:52,310 --> 00:13:54,370
and I don't have a certificate
to teach driver's ed,
350
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:56,680
so I hired a math tutor
and a driver's ed guy.
351
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,750
Okay, so, do you use my car,
352
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,350
or do you have, like,
a special one you brought?
353
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:01,710
Um, I'm the
math tutor.
354
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,520
Really? No way!
355
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,150
So that means you're the...
Driver's ed instructor, yes.
356
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,490
Well, I'll be
a son of a gun!
357
00:14:09,490 --> 00:14:12,990
(laughing)
All right, time to learn math
from a black guy, I guess!
358
00:14:17,270 --> 00:14:20,170
Ah! This is such
an amazing city!
359
00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:22,070
L-Like, I could see them
having a special episode
360
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,900
of The Biggest Loser here!
361
00:14:23,910 --> 00:14:27,110
Uh, Lois, didn't you see I
tied a tampon to the doorknob?
362
00:14:27,110 --> 00:14:29,480
No. What does that mean?
363
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,580
It's what we used to do
in our sorority when
we had... company.
364
00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:34,680
Company? What are you...?
365
00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:36,160
Oh, my God.
366
00:14:36,150 --> 00:14:38,380
Look, Lois, don't make
a big deal about it.
367
00:14:38,390 --> 00:14:40,750
I just needed a
change from Joe.
368
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,590
Bonjour.
369
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,760
Lois, this is François.
370
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,560
(laughs)
371
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,830
Oh, you're serious.
372
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,910
Okay, students, 40 of you
will begin this course,
373
00:14:54,910 --> 00:14:56,310
but only ten of you
will finish it.
374
00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,950
Why is every day an introduction
to the course?
375
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,840
Now I know some teachers think
they're working outside the box
376
00:15:01,850 --> 00:15:03,020
when they have class
on the lawn.
377
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:04,980
Well, I'm gonna take it
a step further.
378
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:07,150
We're gonna do peyote
in the desert.
379
00:15:07,150 --> 00:15:09,450
(intro to the Doors'
"Riders on the Storm" plays)
380
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,620
(bird screeches)
381
00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:27,010
Oh, it's beautiful!
382
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,650
Everything is so beautiful!
383
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,540
Come dance with me, Dad!
384
00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:33,570
Soon, Meg, soon.
385
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:35,380
But first I must inhale.
386
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,380
(inhales deeply)
387
00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:38,410
And again.
388
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:40,360
(inhales deeply)
389
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:41,580
And again.
390
00:15:41,590 --> 00:15:44,360
(inhales deeply)
391
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:47,100
Let's go to the Hollywood Hills
and kill a bunch of people.
392
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:55,240
Oh, Bonnie,
if I were a skunk
393
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:57,800
and you were a cat
who kept repeatedly wandering
394
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,700
into areas
where there was wet paint,
395
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,800
I would look at that stripe
on your back
396
00:16:01,810 --> 00:16:02,850
and think you
were another skunk,
397
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,470
and I would try to rape you.
398
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,620
And it would be legal
because we are in France.
399
00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:11,280
Oh, François, it's
like I'm in a dream.
400
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,280
Bonnie, I have something
very important to ask you.
401
00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:15,430
What is it?
402
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:16,680
I have so enjoyed your intimacy
403
00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:18,030
these past few days.
404
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:21,290
Will you stay here with me?
405
00:16:21,290 --> 00:16:23,090
Here? In-in Paris?
406
00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:24,790
Ugh, there you are,
Bonnie.
407
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,470
I've been looking
all over for you.
408
00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:27,830
Lois, this is good timing.
409
00:16:27,830 --> 00:16:31,100
There's something I
need to tell you.
What is it?
410
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:34,330
François has asked me to
stay here in Paris with him.
411
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:36,740
Oh, my God,
you're not gonna do it, are you?
412
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:38,540
Well, I-I don't know.
413
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,340
I'm thinking about it.
414
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:42,610
I-I can't believe
what I'm hearing right now.
415
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:44,280
You can't do this, Bonnie!
416
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,650
Oh, is that right?
417
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:47,950
Now you're telling me
what I can and can't do?
418
00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:49,750
I invited you on
this trip to hang out
419
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:53,250
while I have sex with strangers,
and this is how you repay me?
420
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:56,030
I'll see you
back at the hotel.
421
00:16:56,030 --> 00:16:58,730
I apologize for my
friend, François.
422
00:16:58,730 --> 00:17:00,760
So, will you stay with me?
423
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,740
Well, it's tempting.
424
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,900
Paris is such a perfect city.
425
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,070
Ah, that is not entirely true.
426
00:17:07,070 --> 00:17:09,240
We have a lot
of mime-on-mime violence.
427
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:24,720
All right, class, today's
final exam will consist
428
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,520
of two parts:
oral and anal.
429
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,190
Dad, we got to go back
to school--real school.
430
00:17:29,190 --> 00:17:31,460
What do you mean?
The goat flu outbreak
431
00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:33,360
at school is over,
and honestly,
432
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,130
I'm afraid we're
not learning anything.
433
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:37,060
Oh, Meg,
you couldn't be wronger.
434
00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:38,560
You're learning
everything. Watch.
435
00:17:38,570 --> 00:17:41,000
Chris, dates--
Battle of Hastings!
I don't know.
436
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:42,410
Franco-Prussian War!
I don't know.
437
00:17:42,410 --> 00:17:43,310
Sherman's March
to the Sea!
I don't know.
438
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:44,710
Cuban Missile Crisis!
No idea.
439
00:17:44,710 --> 00:17:45,870
Trail of Tears!
Never heard of it.
440
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,080
Death of
Charlemagne!
What is that?
441
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,590
Treaty of
Augsburg!
I got nothing.
442
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,120
Cortez reaches
South America!
Pumping a dry well.
443
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,140
Teapot Dome
Scandal!
Sounds fake.
444
00:17:51,150 --> 00:17:52,950
September 11, 2001!
Also sounds fake.
445
00:17:52,950 --> 00:17:53,910
The Bronze Age!
Nope.
446
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:54,750
King James Bible!
No.
447
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:55,820
San Juan Hill!
No!
448
00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:57,150
Wounded Knee!
Great Schism!
Stop!
449
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,390
Dad!
I'll take you
back to school.
450
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,690
Oh, there you are.
451
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:07,600
Hurry up now, Bonnie.
We're gonna miss
our plane.
452
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,930
Lois, I've thought
a lot about this,
453
00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:11,700
and I'm not going with you.
454
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,170
What?! What do you mean?
455
00:18:13,170 --> 00:18:15,540
I'm staying here
with François.
456
00:18:15,540 --> 00:18:17,040
I see. You know, I thought
457
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,240
you might say something
like this,
458
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,610
and that's why I called someone
who might be able
to change your mind.
459
00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:28,250
(gasps)
Joe, what are you doing here?!
460
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:30,420
I came as soon
as Lois told me, Bonnie.
461
00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:32,190
Please don't do it.
462
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:34,550
I'm sorry that I've
been neglecting you lately,
463
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,220
but I love you,
and I need you.
464
00:18:37,230 --> 00:18:38,990
Please come home with me.
465
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,340
Oh, Joe, I'm sorry.
466
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:43,060
This is so hard.
467
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:44,940
Think about what we have
together, honey.
468
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,680
Think about our little girl.
469
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,550
You need to come home
with me.
470
00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:55,540
Bonnie, stay
with me.
471
00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:58,390
I promise, it will take
three years with this accent
472
00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,780
before you figure out
I'm just a normal jerk.
473
00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:03,630
Bonnie, listen to me.
I'm your husband.
474
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:07,290
He may be your husband, but
I would do anything for you.
475
00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:10,290
Well, there's one thing
he can't do.
476
00:19:10,290 --> 00:19:11,690
(inhales deeply)
477
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,100
Bonnie, I didn't think
it would have to come to this,
478
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,830
but I can see
there's only one way left
479
00:19:15,830 --> 00:19:17,660
to prove my love to you.
480
00:19:17,670 --> 00:19:19,870
(grunting)
481
00:19:22,610 --> 00:19:24,850
(whimpering)
482
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,910
(slow, quivering breaths)
483
00:19:29,650 --> 00:19:31,620
Joe! I don't believe it!
484
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:33,390
You're walking!
485
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,880
I am! I am!
486
00:19:35,890 --> 00:19:38,030
Aah! I would
do anything for love,
487
00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:40,420
but I won't do that.
488
00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:42,720
Oh, Joe, I love you!
489
00:19:42,730 --> 00:19:44,530
I love you so much!
490
00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:46,330
I love you, too, Bonnie!
491
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,000
Let's go home, Joe.
492
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,020
You know what?
493
00:20:03,010 --> 00:20:04,410
You can keep your
Paris, France.
494
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,220
I'll take
Quahog any day.
495
00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:08,260
I mean, all that
place is, is skinny guys
496
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,320
rubbing up against you
in buses and subways,
497
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,020
jabbing you in the
thigh with their thing.
498
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:14,120
Yeah, countries is weird.
499
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,270
But at least you helped
save Joe and Bonnie's marriage.
500
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,820
I know. Those two lovebirds
haven't left their bedroom
501
00:20:18,830 --> 00:20:20,630
since we got back.
502
00:20:20,630 --> 00:20:22,300
(truck reverse
signal beeping)
503
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:26,270
(drill whirring,
gear grinding)
504
00:20:26,270 --> 00:20:28,070
Ah, romance.
505
00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:30,100
Speaking of which,
we ain't boofed
in a whole week.
506
00:20:30,110 --> 00:20:31,750
Yeah, but what
about the kids?
507
00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,270
Ah, they're back at school.
508
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,380
Turns out I wasn't quite
the professor I thought I was.
509
00:20:35,380 --> 00:20:36,940
This is what my class
is all about!
510
00:20:36,950 --> 00:20:38,790
Learn with
me, children!
511
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:39,850
Let's teach each other!
512
00:20:39,850 --> 00:20:44,580
Chris, you know this.
513
00:20:44,590 --> 00:20:46,520
Sherman's March to the Sea!
514
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,750
Yes! Finally
someone gets it!
515
00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:50,860
Ah, (bleep),
children!
516
00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:53,260
My (bleep) elbow!
517
00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:54,990
Oh, all the saints
in Christendom!
518
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,530
My elbow's shattered!
519
00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,560
Oh, it's shattered
to (BLEEP)!
520
00:20:58,570 --> 00:20:59,900
Somebody get
the nurse!
521
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,930
Get that big,
(bleep) black nurse!
522
00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:04,240
Oh, I am so
(bleep)!